An Open Letter To Coors Light.

First of all. Lets just get this out there
Coors Light....you're beer.
SO
you're not entirely black listed.

but today certainly got at least 3 or 4 of your letters on that list.
And you've only got 10....
so be warned.



Today I was at the liquor store purchasing some liquified confidence
and happened upon my regular shelf spot in search of Grasshopper.
Upon arriving at my chilly destination, I was met with an empty shelf.

Magine my surprise to find out that a beer no one knows, named GRASSHOPPER is fuckin sold out.
I'm of the belief that it was sold out
because I wanted some.

Either that or I slowly bought them out and didn't realize.

The latter is more probable.
So up yours me
you screwed you hard today.


Now,
I couldn't leave a liquor store with no liquor...
thats just silly.
It makes as much sense as flying a kite with no string.
SO
I reluctantly purchased a collection of Coors Light coldshot-esque style cans.
8 in all.

They come packaged in a box not box.
The shape the packaging makes is a square...
but because the cardboard people are so super duper intelligent
they figure that the sides to a goddamm cube don't mean anything
and took them the fuck out.
It's like a carboard oreo filled with 10 cent redeemable tin.

So i have this bizarre box not box of coors light coldshot-esque cans that i put in my van
and pull out of the parking lot
perfectly neutral to my previous endevour.

Until I come to my first major corner on the way home.
It should be noted at this point that I have not consumed any brew and I was obeying all speed limits.
As I round the corner, 8 silver bullets come flying out of their shitty habitat and happily roll all the fuck over my van.

BECAUSE YOUR BOXES HAVE NO SIDES.
you put beer in a box...
to keep it there.
if you have no sides...
then what in the fuck do you expect to happen?

It should be noted at this point that I'm terrified of opening cans.
Cans can not be trusted.
Friends with cans are even worse.
You don't know what they've done to that can....They could have shaken the shit out of that can like they were lookin for answers.
I've had my trust in cans tried in the past as I've been sprayed by friends.
(Assasscanated if you will.)

And a shaken can of beer is even worse.
Because it's one less to drink
and then i'm sticky and smell like 4 day old hobo.

So clearly, my anxiety about 8 shaken cans takes it's toll on my brain at this point and
in the middle of my drive home, at a stop sign, I put my van in park and get the fuck out
so i can pick up all your now dangerous beer bombs.

Problem solved.

Until it occured to me what could have happened had I been pulled over after your cans attacked my dirty van carpet.

It's illegal to have open liquor in a car.
'open liquor' in this case is refering to booze that is out of package.
Which is as illegal as actual open liquor.
Allbeit a lot less dangerous.

My point is
your shitty wall-less beer can apartment let loose a world of nonsense in my van
and had I been pulled over any time after that
I could have had a major situation on my hands. (lets face it....those cans had to call my backseat home once they fell out......jammin that shit back into the box is more difficult than accidently taking the cereal bag out of the box.)

With packaging so easily disrupted, you're leaving alot of people open to these sorts of situations.
And that's pretty irresponsible of a company that preaches responsible alcohol care.

What if I coudn't find one of your cans?
Say I get home...can't find one...and then forget.
Days later i get pulled over
and BAM
i get questioned by a police officer who's more than eager to know why I have a can of Coors Light jammed inbetween my sliding passenger side door.

All this would be a result of your packaging.
A situation that could have been avoided
if you fuckers understood geometry.


love justin.