An Open Letter To Coors Light.

First of all. Lets just get this out there
Coors Light....you're beer.
SO
you're not entirely black listed.

but today certainly got at least 3 or 4 of your letters on that list.
And you've only got 10....
so be warned.



Today I was at the liquor store purchasing some liquified confidence
and happened upon my regular shelf spot in search of Grasshopper.
Upon arriving at my chilly destination, I was met with an empty shelf.

Magine my surprise to find out that a beer no one knows, named GRASSHOPPER is fuckin sold out.
I'm of the belief that it was sold out
because I wanted some.

Either that or I slowly bought them out and didn't realize.

The latter is more probable.
So up yours me
you screwed you hard today.


Now,
I couldn't leave a liquor store with no liquor...
thats just silly.
It makes as much sense as flying a kite with no string.
SO
I reluctantly purchased a collection of Coors Light coldshot-esque style cans.
8 in all.

They come packaged in a box not box.
The shape the packaging makes is a square...
but because the cardboard people are so super duper intelligent
they figure that the sides to a goddamm cube don't mean anything
and took them the fuck out.
It's like a carboard oreo filled with 10 cent redeemable tin.

So i have this bizarre box not box of coors light coldshot-esque cans that i put in my van
and pull out of the parking lot
perfectly neutral to my previous endevour.

Until I come to my first major corner on the way home.
It should be noted at this point that I have not consumed any brew and I was obeying all speed limits.
As I round the corner, 8 silver bullets come flying out of their shitty habitat and happily roll all the fuck over my van.

BECAUSE YOUR BOXES HAVE NO SIDES.
you put beer in a box...
to keep it there.
if you have no sides...
then what in the fuck do you expect to happen?

It should be noted at this point that I'm terrified of opening cans.
Cans can not be trusted.
Friends with cans are even worse.
You don't know what they've done to that can....They could have shaken the shit out of that can like they were lookin for answers.
I've had my trust in cans tried in the past as I've been sprayed by friends.
(Assasscanated if you will.)

And a shaken can of beer is even worse.
Because it's one less to drink
and then i'm sticky and smell like 4 day old hobo.

So clearly, my anxiety about 8 shaken cans takes it's toll on my brain at this point and
in the middle of my drive home, at a stop sign, I put my van in park and get the fuck out
so i can pick up all your now dangerous beer bombs.

Problem solved.

Until it occured to me what could have happened had I been pulled over after your cans attacked my dirty van carpet.

It's illegal to have open liquor in a car.
'open liquor' in this case is refering to booze that is out of package.
Which is as illegal as actual open liquor.
Allbeit a lot less dangerous.

My point is
your shitty wall-less beer can apartment let loose a world of nonsense in my van
and had I been pulled over any time after that
I could have had a major situation on my hands. (lets face it....those cans had to call my backseat home once they fell out......jammin that shit back into the box is more difficult than accidently taking the cereal bag out of the box.)

With packaging so easily disrupted, you're leaving alot of people open to these sorts of situations.
And that's pretty irresponsible of a company that preaches responsible alcohol care.

What if I coudn't find one of your cans?
Say I get home...can't find one...and then forget.
Days later i get pulled over
and BAM
i get questioned by a police officer who's more than eager to know why I have a can of Coors Light jammed inbetween my sliding passenger side door.

All this would be a result of your packaging.
A situation that could have been avoided
if you fuckers understood geometry.


love justin.

An Open Letter To Telus.

Hello Telus.
This is by no means difficult for me to say at all:

I think we need some time apart.

And by 'think' I mean: We're over.
And by 'some time apart' I mean: eat shit.

I can confidently say without even the slightest margine of error...
That none of this emotional collapse is even remotely my fault.
It's all you babe.
I'm pretty sure I was clear about how thin the ice you were standing on was.

And baby....
You just fell in.



I tried remaining calm when callers to my motorola paperweight would leave a voicemail...
and i wouldn't get it.

I tried keeping my cool when text messagers would send me a text that extended into 2 messages....
but i wouldn't get the second part until the next day...
Or even at all
Or get the first page twice. (and we're all aware about my feelings on that.)

I REALLY tried keeping my anger under control when you would freeze as I tried to text the double page texter about how i didn't recieve the second page to the double page text.

But Telus.
There is truly no excuse for charging me what I've paid
and providing me with a piece of mechanical abortion that doesn't even meet it's basic fundamental purpose.

Telus.
I do not ever turn my phone off...
do you know why?

IN CASE SOMEONE WANTS TO GET A HOLD OF ME YOU PIECES OF SHIT.

I had more people tell me to turn my phone on because your poisonous company couldn't correctly provide me with a product that would fufill it's purpose in my life.
it's simple purpose.
simple.
simple.
purpose.
Someone calls me....and i answer.
because i paid you for that.....and that's what phones do.

a phone really only has one purpose.
But when yours don't recieve phone calls...
then how in the fuck am i supposed to do what i need to do?
How in the fuck....do I plan my day.....based on the fact that I am in posession of a phone that can up and decide without notice....that it's not going to be a phone today.
What in the fuck Telus??
Did you give your phones a fuckin conscience?
An ability to up and decide for itself one day that there had to be more to life?
It's like my goddamm phone had an epiphany one day and just gave the fuck up on recieving phone calls then packed it's shit and moved to New York to be a coked out bloated stage whore.

Thats what you've given me Telus.
A coked out, bloated, stage whore of a mechanical abortion.
Thats a far cry from a FUCKIN TELEPHONE.
And you're responsible for every ounce of it.

But you know what Telus.
We came into this relationship happy.
You were happy screwing others
and I was happy that I didn't own one of your phones.

Well Telus.
I'm happy once again.
Because we're over.
We're through Telus.
It's done.

But all in all I must thank you.
Truthfully and honestly...
for providing me such an incredible confetti show when I finally used your telephone as a baseball.
Who knew that cell phone organs could be so beautifully scattered over a backyard in the sunlight.

So thank you Telus.
I truly beg of you to make your phones bigger and chunkier
so that when others use your phones as a replacement for sports equipment....

they'll be just as happy as i was.



love justin.

An Open Letter To DayQuil.

I'm currently sick.
I dunno whats wrong with me...
could be flu
could be a cold
but what I do know
is that you, Dayquil, are not doing your job.
I spent money on you Dayquil. Which is like hiring an employee.
I hired you to fix me.
But pack up your shit
cuz you just got a new job in my garbage can.

As a sick individual, the last thing I want....is to be more sick.
Dayquil, you haven't made me more sick, so I'll give you that.
But you certainly haven't made me LESS sick.
Which, if i'm not mistaken, is why i bought you in the first place.

For the $15 I threw down, you'd think that maybe you'd be able to clear up the never ending flow of colored water that seems to find it's way out of my face.
But no Dayquil.
No.
You apparently couldn't dry up my leaky head fluids with a towel.

You've also managed to increase my body temperature at an alarming rate.
I started out this mess of a flu without a fever...WITHOUT.
and every time I think about having to take another one of you...
I can feel a steady increase of forehead heat equivalent to that of which cooks eggs.

Dayquil let me ask you something:

When YOU'RE sick...
have you ever tried to open a package of you?
No, no you have not.
Because its fuckin near IMPOSSIBLE.
I had to use scissors to open your blister packs.
and the SCISSORS couldn't even believe how fuckin hard you were to open.
They were like "dude...this is crazy"
and i was like "ya scissors....i know."

I honestly can't imagine what the fuck you were thinking when you created those space age reinforced steel blister holding cels.
But if I had to guess....
you were probably thinking along the lines of "hey....this easy to open tissue paper that holds a medicine capable of curing nothing needs to be more complicated for the weak and the sick to open...so lets add in some hard plastic that even the plastic company thinks is a bit much."

When I finally DID get a package of you open...
I was quick to discover that the pill I had to swallow
was roughly the size of a small boat.

I even went as far to pile in a bunch of tiny immigrants and float them off the coast of Nova Scotia in hopes they'd find bigger and better things abroad.

And hopefully upon their return
they'll bring me some medication that i can fuckin swallow.

love justin.